i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I think people are normalizing furries
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
