Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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