i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
