We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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