"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
