Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
