21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
