The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
