omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
