This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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