If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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