My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
