Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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