um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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