i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
