I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
