let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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