So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
