Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
