Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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