Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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