Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
