Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
