The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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