And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
