I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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