It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
