just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
