listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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