sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
