If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
