apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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