I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
