Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my being single is dangerous.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
