I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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