do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
