"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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