so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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