If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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