What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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