Already got asked if we're dating
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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