i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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