Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
