Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
