I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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