Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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