Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
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Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
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We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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