Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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