The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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