Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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