it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
