I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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